Friday, December 30, 2011

Let the Merriment Continue, Please (No)

Expresso has kicked in, so here we go.  I have got to let off a little steam.  If you have read my earlier post, you know that my sister got a crapful of money from my deceased father and my good good brother and I got nada.  I am fine with this.  But I have to see her this weekend.  I have not seen here since learning about how she scooped up that money and decided that she earned it and we did not due to our disloyal behavior.  Disloyal behavior to an abusive dad and enabling mom.  So I have a bit of a problem looking her in the eyes and not saying, "Sister, you need therapy."

I cannot get into this discussion with her because she has a personality disorder, pretty sure, like my father did.  He probably had a borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder, or a nasty mix of the two.  If  one would approach him about his tyrannical behavior, he could throw one hell of a tantrum.  Scary, mean, abusive.  My sister is just like him in that regard and many others.  

I kind of learned how to keep my dad at arm's length, in a way, to protect myself and my family.  I just really never thought that I would have to learn to do this as well or better with Queen Sister.  She is just so mean to me.  

Although I do not have the guilt of trying to "honor" her as I guess I had regarding my dad, she does have kids whom I really do like. I want them to like me and to know that I am in their corner.  If they ever need help or a relatively sane relative to fall back on, I am there.  They may really need that some day.  If you grow up with such a crazy mean parent, your world can fall in on you.  Mine did.  That is a story for another post.  But yes: I cut myself, overdosed, was severely depressed for a very long spell.  Now my depression and I, we kind of co-exist while finding a way to "function" and be happy in a weird, thoughtful, pensive way, when the wind blows just right and all the stars are aligned and my stomach or head don't hurt too much.  I want my nieces and nephews to know that I am here to help if they need it.  I want them to know that they are not the piece of shit that they were told they were.  That they are not what they have accomplished, but that they are what they feel in their hearts and how they try to express that in this crazy world.  

Wish me luck as I "celebrate" the holidays with Queen Sister and her family.

Blessings to you as you bring in another 365 days labeled 2012.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Yes, I knew I would need you someday.

So, Blog, guess what?   I have a bizarre family.  This is for real.  And for some reason I am ok with this today.  I just found out that my sister received $100,000 or so, could be more, from my deceased father.  My brother and I received none. Zippo.  Zero.  Zilch.  Nada.  As in, not enough to buy a gumball.

This should bother me, no?  BTW, my sister has a shitload more moola than me and mine (hubby + 4 kiddos).  Yeah, she earned it all by putting work ahead of a whole shitload of other things, like a nice marriage.  Wow.  But I do not even really want that money.  And I am so proud of myself for that.

Here is another secret: my father died by suicide about 1 year ago.  My mother already brought a new male companion to my brother's kids' baptisms this weekend.  And that didn't even really bother me.

I sit here and shake my head and hope I don't wake up tommorrow feeling like someone just kicked me and told me that I am a piece of shit.  That's how my dad would make me feel: often.  Weird.  He wasn't even here today, at the family event, and shots still got taken at me and my little bro, poor guy (my silly little brother who also happens to be a great oncologist).

But the strange thing is, is that I truly do not want that money.  And I do not even really hold that against my dad.  Not now, that I think he gets it all, that he was a TOTAL monster at times, with a little ASSHOLE thrown in.  Yeah, he could really throw us kids for one shit of a ride.

So I fear feeling like that little verbally abused girl again once it sinks in that my mean-ass sister is worth 100+ g's to my dad and me and my silly little bro are not worth a couple of gumballs.  To him.  When my dad was here, on earth, in his fully human mean-ass way.  Now maybe he kinda gets more of the big picture.  And I have found that I really do not care about money that much.  Yes, my family, thank God, has what we need.  For now, today.   Can't say that about the future.  But, whatevs.  I am ok with that, right here, right now. (Yes, there is a song kinda going through my head as I type that, "right here, right now" but I do not know the other words.)

Thanksgiving weekend, and I guess I found out that I am thankful that I have enough that I do not really care that I missed out on some serious moola.  Now, catch me on another day, and we shall see.  Yes, we shall see.