Sunday, November 27, 2011

Yes, I knew I would need you someday.

So, Blog, guess what?   I have a bizarre family.  This is for real.  And for some reason I am ok with this today.  I just found out that my sister received $100,000 or so, could be more, from my deceased father.  My brother and I received none. Zippo.  Zero.  Zilch.  Nada.  As in, not enough to buy a gumball.

This should bother me, no?  BTW, my sister has a shitload more moola than me and mine (hubby + 4 kiddos).  Yeah, she earned it all by putting work ahead of a whole shitload of other things, like a nice marriage.  Wow.  But I do not even really want that money.  And I am so proud of myself for that.

Here is another secret: my father died by suicide about 1 year ago.  My mother already brought a new male companion to my brother's kids' baptisms this weekend.  And that didn't even really bother me.

I sit here and shake my head and hope I don't wake up tommorrow feeling like someone just kicked me and told me that I am a piece of shit.  That's how my dad would make me feel: often.  Weird.  He wasn't even here today, at the family event, and shots still got taken at me and my little bro, poor guy (my silly little brother who also happens to be a great oncologist).

But the strange thing is, is that I truly do not want that money.  And I do not even really hold that against my dad.  Not now, that I think he gets it all, that he was a TOTAL monster at times, with a little ASSHOLE thrown in.  Yeah, he could really throw us kids for one shit of a ride.

So I fear feeling like that little verbally abused girl again once it sinks in that my mean-ass sister is worth 100+ g's to my dad and me and my silly little bro are not worth a couple of gumballs.  To him.  When my dad was here, on earth, in his fully human mean-ass way.  Now maybe he kinda gets more of the big picture.  And I have found that I really do not care about money that much.  Yes, my family, thank God, has what we need.  For now, today.   Can't say that about the future.  But, whatevs.  I am ok with that, right here, right now. (Yes, there is a song kinda going through my head as I type that, "right here, right now" but I do not know the other words.)

Thanksgiving weekend, and I guess I found out that I am thankful that I have enough that I do not really care that I missed out on some serious moola.  Now, catch me on another day, and we shall see.  Yes, we shall see.