Sunday, December 4, 2011

What is this bloggy place?

Bloggy Dear,
I am fascinated by this whole blog experience.  I guess it is like the diary.  Obviously, duh.  But it really is more because this diary floats around the world wide web and lands sometimes on someone's screen, and then they may read it.  Which is weird, because I really did not want anyone to read my diary when I was a teen kind of gal.  But, of course, I wanted to be discovered without someone reading it.  Discovered for what, I do not know.  So this blog world is like a million streams of consciousness that are floating around and you can just put your hand out and catch a few and savor them.  Or be repulsed be them.  But so far, the blogs I have read have blown my mind.  Maybe I blogged that before.  But these bloggers are so incredibly gifted and it is such a treat that it is there for the taking, all those blogs.  To take and read and savor.  And laugh, of course.  Duh.

So I am drawn here to blog my own blog again by some new facts.  My last post mentioned the 100 g's my sister inherited.  But today I found out that it was really $200,000 that my dad gave her, and again, me and my little bro got not even a haypenny.

This is one of the big things, though.  My sweet sweet man and I were talking about all that money.  We came to the conclusion that that is the price tag for all the bullshit she put up with and ENABLED with my dad.  Now she is quite like him, and that means she really is not happy.  And she can be quite vicious.  I believe that there is a personality disorder involved.  My father must have had one, and I believe my sister does, too.  Me, I just have the ordinary depression and OCD.  I don't think I have much more than that.  So, to get back to this idea of a price tag, she was kind of his right-hand man in some of his monster ways.  They both thought they were totally in the right, even though they both had the money to get professional help and figure out that they were not all right.  When they did  get professional help, I think they wrote off the shrinks and/or counselors as being wrong or not bright enough to understand how everyone else was to blame.  So, very very very sadly, my father painted himself into a corner and ended his own life.  And my sister lives a very unhappy life.  She would not step away from the destruction my parents (mostly my dad) made and say, "No.  This is not right."  She hung in there like a real trooper.  And for that she got $200,000.  Maybe more someday, who knows.  I say, with my husband right there with me, that $200,000 is SOOOOO not enough for all that.

I have a beautiful family.  We are warm and safe at night.  We have everything we need.  Today I baked cookies while Christmas decorations were put up and Christmas movies were in the background.  All that noodle salad kind of stuff.  I know it is enough.  It is too much, in many ways.  I also know that I sink into depression at the drop of a hat.  And my kids really piss me off sometimes.  And my husband really really pisses me off sometimes, but much less now than he did a few years ago.  I think I don't get as mad at him now because I realize that he is on my side. ALL THE FREAKIN' WAY.   I used to think he really did not care and he should have married someone like his mother, blah blah blah.  Yes, I am insecure.  But I think my man really does love me.  So, in lieu of some of that $200,000, I have a piece of the happy pie.  Of course, just for now, until depression and guilt and anxiety rear their ugly fuckin' heads again.

To sum this all up, the price tag on allegiance to bad behavior is interesting to ponder.  Also, today would have been my father's birthday.  Big sigh.  I don't even know what kind of sigh, either.

If you are actually reading all the way to the end of this sift, THANK YOU!!!  I wish I could drop some streamers down on you or something.  But who really likes streamers, anyway?


  1. I do not know you, but found your blog through a comment on The Bloggess's site.

    I just wanted to say kudos to you for being above it all. not worrying that you didn't get the money. Money isn't everything, and you seem to know that. If only more people were thankful for what they have, like you are.

    Happy Holidays to you and yours.

  2. Hi Natalie. Thank you so much for your comment and for reading my blog! It is liberating to blog out what is in my mind and heart and have someone agree with me. Yes, money is causing so much heartache these days.

    Happy holidays to you and yours, also.

    Now I am off to see your blog!

    Take care.

  3. I found your blog after clicking on your comment on The Bloggess. I wanted to respond to that comment and express that you are not alone in dealing with a child who is constantly and irrationally afraid of throwing up. I also suffered from this fear as a child. I still do. It wasn't until I was an adult that I learned this is actually a recognized phobia that can be treated -- it is called emetophobia. Here is a website that has brought me greater peace and is a good starting point to confront this debilitating fear: I know this fear seems very strange to those without the phobia. I write in hopes that you find support and encouragement as you coach and comfort your daughter.

    Wishing joy and peace for you and your family this holiday season!

  4. Hi Ghostwriter! I am so excited that you have shared info with me on emetophobia! I will absolutely click on over there. I also plan on clicking on over to your blog, too. I plan on studying, "How to Suck less."

    Since, as I mentioned in my blog, I have OCD, I have talked a bit about my littlest's irrational fears of throwing up with my shrink. I had fears as a child, but not, thank goodness, of throwing up, because it does not take much for me to get a good puke going. And although this sucks, it does not terrify me. So I was surprised that my little one came up with this fear. And it causes her to cry every night. I now have hope to start to help her more with this. My husband and I have tried, but with nothing specific to her throw-up fear. I am now hopeful! Thank you for coming on over here to help us.

    I wish you much joy, peace, and love also this holiday season and for 2012.

    See you on your blog!

  5. "...this blog world is like a million streams of consciousness that are floating around and you can just put your hand out and catch a few and savor them."


  6. Thank you, Phoenix. Your symbol post was pretty great.