Monday, February 6, 2012

My Brain is Trying to Kill Me

I have ten minutes until the kiddos come home.  Not enough time to get into anything productive.  So ten minutes to play.  But I don't feel like playing.  I feel like dying.  I don't know why this hits me so often.  Just tired, freakin' so tired I could cry.  I push through it often.  But not in the morning.  I take a "nap" after my kids go to school.  I know, I am a loser.  So I should not be this tired, tired, tired.  Being tired makes everything suck, and everything suck really bad.  What am I doing, what should I be doing, why is this piece of mail still on the counter, what can I sort of make for dinner that won't be too awful, why is my stomach so blahhhhhhh, why am I so lazy, when will the weather change, why do so many people not like me..... And it goes on and on.  Now I hear the kiddos.  Now they will barrage me with the highlights and lowlights of their day, and will badger me for snacks, and then more snacks.  And they will complain about the other kid getting more snack than they are getting.  And the hours will turn into dinner time, when there will be more food issues.  Sometimes to break up the blah, I bake, and eat a shitload of dough before I bake it.  It works, sort of, for an hour or so.  Sometimes a baked treat on my counter actually makes me feel better for the rest of the night.  Then I can wake up and do this all over, but sometimes with a very different attitude.  I don't know why sometimes my brain works nicely, and sometimes it feels like my brain is trying to kill me.

5 comments:

  1. Sounds crummy for sure, but the baking outlet may be an indication that all hope is not lost. Might there be other baking type ventures that you can stack on the positive side of your ledger? Even if it might come at the expense of your Crew's every whim?

    Not trying to be the good time gang here but knowing that something can still punch through you sick, tired brain is good.

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    1. Anonymous, your identity is showing again. You just want me to bake more because then you will have more goodies to eat, husband.

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  2. Hi Franny,
    So, I was over at An Inch of Gray, reading about signs and I saw your name. I think I've seen it before. I noticed it because my daughter's middle name is Frances--unusual. I wanted her first name to be frances but her father wouldn't agree. I always tell her she was supposed to be my Franny. So I got curious about who this other Franny is and came over here. I also started my blog in September, and I also eat a lot of dough before I bake. I did that today, in fact. True, it doesn't help for long. Then I read that you have OCD. I think you're serious and not using it in the casual way so many do. My daughter, almost-franny, also has OCD. I haven't written about it at all yet because I'm planning to start a different blog about her experiences. Your title, "My Brain is trying to kill me" - I have felt that way about almost-franny's brain - like it is her enemy. It is a tough thing. Or maybe you're just joking and I'm being too serious? Anyway, I don't know what any of this means, just thought I'd comment on the curiousness of all these coincidences. Also, i like your stream of consciousness style - it's funny. Have a good night! deb.

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  3. Hi Franny,
    I thought it might be a pseudonym, but it doesn't matter, because you still chose it. So, I have so much to say. BTW, thanks for visiting and joining my blog! i too hope we can keep in touch. I don't know anyone else who has ocd or who has a child with ocd. The things you describe in your daughter sound EXACTLY like some of the things we have dealt with. Throwing up is also an issue around here. She will avoid foods that "made" her throw up and refuse to wear clothes she was wearing when she or anyone near her last got sick. I'm sure you know more about all this than me, having lived with it yourself, but we have just been through an extremely successful 2 years (on and off) of therapy. Olivia has adhd, anxiety and ocd, and tics. We did cognitive behavioral therapy with a practice in Bethesda, MD called behavior therapy center (dr. mansueto). i tell you that because he is one of the first doctors to connect childhood tics with adult ocd. i feel like they have changed olivia's life by giving her strategies--teaching her to "talk back" to her ocd etc. she is out of therapy right now, but I'm sure you know, it's a roller coaster, so i imagine we'll go back when the need arises. there is also a great book for kids that explains ocd (it was actually really useful for me). I can try to find the title if you're interested. Olivia is 11. your daughter? i also have a 14 year old son with very mild versions of Olivia's issues (he checks behind the toilet for monsters every night before bed. we get a good laugh out of that - you have to laugh sometime!). OK - i could go on and on...

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    1. Hello Deb,
      I know you left more messages somewhere that I will have to find. But to address this one: you sound like you are very informed about your daughter's OCD. To have done the behavior therapy is huge. I have not officially done that (my brother has), but I have done a hodge-podge version at home, with the help of my shrink. I was never very good at really sticking to it. As you know, OCD waxes and wanes, and right now my OCD is not as bad as it has been in the past, so I only take a "chill pill" for it. My compulsions don't take up very much of my day right now. Or my obsessions (ruminations). For a time in my life, ruminations were crushing me everyday.

      My daughter also does not want to wear the clothes she was wearing when she last threw up. She also doesn't want me to have my light on in my room because I guess it was on the last time, too? After reading about all the time you have spent helping your daughter with her OCD I am feeling a bit guilty for not getting more help for my daughter. She is 8. I know we should get it more under control before it becomes an even more ingrained behavior for her. I also feel so frustrated that *knowing* so much about OCD still does not help me that much in helping her control hers. We have tried the talking back to OCD. I don't think that helps her that much right now. Your son checking for monsters behind the toilet is so cute. I know it isn't really cute, but you know. I just don't quite get how a monster could fit there. For real, I *had* to check for monsters under my bed and in the closets before I went to bed as a kid, and had to put up an imaginary fence to stop the snakes and spiders from getting me while I slept. But *that* makes sense, because the monsters could fit there! It seems that the monsters that could fit behind the toilet would be so small that they would be kinda cute, so really not that bad to run into at all! We definitely get some laughs out of OCD in our home, too. You sound like such a good mom, helping Olivia with her OCD in such a productive way. Now I am off to read more on your blogs and comments...Thank you for following my blog!!!

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